Receiving a gift can create a feeling of obligation
One possible explanation is the pressure to reciprocate. When someone gives us something thoughtful, we may feel that we should do something equally thoughtful in return. Instead of simply enjoying the gesture, we start thinking about what we owe the other person.A 2024 study titled ‘The psychological, computational, and neural foundations of indebtedness’ examined how people experience indebtedness after receiving help or a favour.The researchers explained that receiving something from another person can create both gratitude and a sense of obligation. While gratitude reflects appreciation for what someone has done, indebtedness can make the recipient feel motivated to repay the favour.
Why an unexpected gift can make someone uneasy
The discomfort may become stronger when a person has not prepared anything in return. A 2021 study by researcher Julian Givi, published in the Journal of Business Research, examined why gift recipients feel uncomfortable when they cannot reciprocate.Across several studies, Givi found that people giving gifts tended to underestimate how uncomfortable recipients felt when they could not return a present on an occasion when gift exchange was expected. Recipients were more concerned about the imbalance in appreciation than givers often realised.This helps explain why someone might respond to a surprise present by immediately saying, “I haven’t got anything for you.” Their discomfort may not be about disliking the gift. They may simply feel unprepared for the expectation of reciprocation.
Why giving can feel easier than receiving
Giving a gift allows a person to decide what to offer, when to offer it and how much effort to put into it. They can choose something that reflects their understanding of the other person and express affection through that action. Receiving is different. The person has no control over what arrives, how much it costs or whether they will be expected to respond in a particular way.Research suggests that gift-giving can also strengthen feelings of connection. A 2015 study examined six studies and found that gifts reflecting the giver’s interests could increase feelings of closeness between giver and recipient.The findings suggest that choosing and giving a gift can itself be a meaningful way of connecting with someone. However, the study did not examine whether people who enjoy giving gifts are less comfortable receiving them.
It does not mean someone dislikes being appreciated
Feeling awkward when receiving a present does not automatically mean a person has difficulty with affection, low self-worth or a problem accepting love. Some people dislike being the centre of attention. Others worry about the cost of a gift, feel uncomfortable with surprises or come from families and social settings where returning favours is strongly expected.
Learning to accept a gift without keeping score
If you enjoy giving presents but find yourself uncomfortable when someone gives you one, it may help to notice what is causing the reaction.
- Separate gratitude from obligation: You can appreciate someone’s thoughtfulness without immediately planning an equally valuable return gift.
- Allow the other person to enjoy giving: A present may be their way of expressing affection, not a request for repayment.
- Accept the gesture simply: A genuine thank you is often enough. You do not need to explain why the person should not have bought it.
- Notice what makes you uncomfortable: Is it the attention, the expense, the surprise or the feeling that you now owe something?
Giving and receiving are both part of relationships, but they can feel different. For someone who loves choosing thoughtful presents yet struggles when the attention turns towards them, the challenge may not be a lack of affection. It may be learning to accept that affection without feeling that it has to be repaid immediately.
